"Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for 10 grand, he'll show you the door!"

"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"

"Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!"

"Thank's to the new welfare bill, the question "Paper or plastic?" now refers to many American's sleeping arrangements!"

"In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!"

"Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgement!"

"If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"

"A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!"

"The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!"

"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"

"How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?"

"It takes one to know one -- and vice versa!"

"Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!"

"Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!"

"A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!"

"How come we choose from just two people for President, and fifty for Miss America?"

"Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!"

"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"

"Blood is thicker than water... but it makes lousy lemonade!"

"The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!"

"A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!"